I’m probably that guy that you don’t know very well.
There’s good reason for this. Until very recently, it probably seemed that I didn’t have much time for or interest in you. First, I’d like to apologize for this because you’re a very important person and I certainly don’t mean to give you the impression that your not.
When I say “it’s not you: it’s me” I truly do mean it.
Well, I used to mean it.
But something very strange has been happening to me for the past few weeks… maybe months. I know that people always experience change and sometimes it’s lasting and sometimes it’s not. With this, though, I’m convinced that I’ll be looking back at August and September a few years from now and be able to distinguish a couple of powerful milestones, reference points along my journey.
I’ll reference things as being being before or after September 2010. It really has been that profound.
I’ve been a hermit for as long as I can remember. As a child in would spend hours by myself in my room: reading, playing, whatever. Contentment for me was sitting by myself, keeping myself occupied without any need for human interaction. I didn’t need anything else.
So it should come as a considerable surprise to you and me both that the profundity of what has happened to me has instilled a voracious appetite for meaningful social interaction in the self-proclaimed king of social-awkwardness.
I am . . . or was . . . that king.
While I can’t explain the mechanics of the situation I can at least attempt to deal with it from a philosophical perspective.
With no hesitation whatsoever, I can say that I had a lot of misplaced intimacy. I didn’t need any other interaction with people: I had reached capacity, however dysfunctional this may have been. There was no room for anything else and therefore no drive for developing relationships beyond casual acquaintances. There was no room for genuine interest for the joys and sorrows of another human being, because I was to interested in my own self-aggrandization.
If you’ve read my previous post, Clean, then you already have a sense for this, so I won’t go into it again.
I can testify, though, that when this substantial malignancy was exorcised from my soul, the vacuum it created was back-filled with utter happiness, awe, and an affinity for relationships that I never thought was normal, let alone possible.
I am a changed man.
Going forward, I will likely be as overbearing as I was once (and possibly still am) socially-awkward. You should know this and take the appropriate precautions. But I can’t apologize for this.
It’s only because I like you.